Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to not have had an issue with my bipolar disorder since the end of last summer. I did have some medication changes, but that was largely due to intolerable side effects than anything else. However when the pandemic came into town, I knew I would have some adverse effects due to the rapid changes and increased stressors. Sadly, I was unaware of how much the changes would affect my mental state. For the first time in eight years, I found myself wading through some dark and deep depression as well as some severe suicidal thoughts.
In early April, I found out that one of my close best friends completed suicide. She was depressed, and recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I was helping her to deal with her depression and recent diagnosis while also encouraging her to talk to a therapist. On Monday, I called to no answer, and I called her again Tuesday with no answer. Her sister reached out to me on Wednesday to let me know she had passed and my whole world turned upside down. Dealing with a sudden loss is traumatizing, let alone dealing with a suicide. Shortly thereafter, I was swallowed into a deep depression that was so paralyzing I had to take two weeks off of work and increase my medication to help break the darkness.
My friends sudden suicide triggered a deep depression and suicidal thoughts for the first time eight years. All of a sudden, I was plagued with constant and dark suicidal thoughts. Thoughts that the world would be much better without me, and that I just don’t want to be here anymore rolled through my mind constantly. Finally, one day the thoughts went away. From being bombarded on a daily basis to a couple of times a week and finally to nothing. Having to constantly fight your own mind is a hard thing to do especially when no one can help you with it. No one can help you fight your own mind and thoughts.
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