Advertisements

Slipping From Fall to Partial Remission

Slipping from Full to Partial Remission - I was in remission so long that I almost forgot about the condition. Almost. But one day, I realized that the edges of my perception were getting cloudy, the sky becoming darker, the atmosphere getting thicker, and my thoughts getting darker.

I was in remission so long that I almost forgot about the condition. Almost. But one day, I realized that the edges of my perception were getting cloudy, the sky becoming darker, the atmosphere getting thicker, and my thoughts getting darker.  Statistically speaking, I should have seen it coming, but my long period of remission (5 years to be exact) made me forgetful. Bipolar disorder is a lifetime condition that characterized by high rates of relapse, and very low rates of remission with about 90% relapsing at least once in their lifetime. 

Incoming Depression

I was doing so well in my remission that early on I was allowed to stop taking my medication with the promise of continuing counseling and monitoring my symptoms.  After some time, I started to forget. Forget that I used to suffer from debilitating depression. My only two manic episodes occurred when I was 19 years old (15 years ago), so mania was never a serious worry for me. But in the middle of July after a bout of extreme irritation, annoyance, frustration, and feeling as though the world was starting to cave in I realized I needed help. After speaking with my counselor, we decided I should make an appointment with psychiatry to talk about medications. As we all know, getting an appointment with psychiatry can be difficult and while my GP offered me anti-depressions I didn’t want to take the risk. People with bipolar disorder no matter now deep into remission they are, can’t take anti-depressants alone without risking a manic episode. So wait I did.

Incoming Mental Breakdown

Two weeks later, I manage to hold it together but I don’t think I could have waited any longer to get in to see psychiatry. The precarious hold, the death grip I had on the door keeping the darkness out was starting to slide, to give way. Intense exercise (running, walking, yoga), the emotional support dog, coupled with a touch of creeping burnout, and finals week was becoming too much to bear. Honestly having a mental breakdown would have been easier at this point, but having to put my life back together afterwards would have been horrifying. So I clung to small hope that perhaps relief would be coming soon.

Now in my defense, I have had a very difficult year. 
Gained a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend. 
Stepfather died after relapse of cancer
Therapist died a week after my stepfather
Started Premedical classes
Various work transitions
Questions regarding my faith
Gained 20lbs

But I had difficult years before, and hadn’t slipped.  So why was I slipping now? The psychiatrist recognized the impending depression and informed me I was in partial remission. We decided that medication would be best at this time, and are hoping that it would help to push me back into full remission. Along with a recommendation of return to the well-crafted routine I had perfected and established. 

Incoming Hopefulness

So I am back to managing and tracking my time. Returning to carefully planned meals, HIIT sessions, running, walking, and playing with my emotional support dog. Having a sleep therapist teaching me to regulate my sleep (I have a circadian rhythm disorder) should help the situation. Here’s me hoping that remission finds me soon. Me trying to convince myself that returning to medication isn’t weak and that I am not giving up. Reminding myself that knowing when to seek help and admit that I need help is a strength that many don’t have. Hoping that I continue to avoid mania, that my depression doesn’t deepen, and the darkness remains at bay.

A woman can dream right?

Slipping from Full to Partial Remission - I was in remission so long that I almost forgot about the condition. Almost. But one day, I realized that the edges of my perception were getting cloudy, the sky becoming darker, the atmosphere getting thicker, and my thoughts getting darker.

Check out my latest posts!

Advertisements

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: