This post is apart of a series called Things where I hope to invite you into my personal space, my thoughts, my heart, and soul. In this series, I will talk about my fears, hopes, and possible future goals within three blog posts. For this start of this series, I will start with Things I Am Afraid to Tell You. I have been deeply avoiding speaking about these things, but it is time for me to be transparent.
I am mostly an open book…
Completely transparent. Of course, there are things I haven’t discussed because I am unable to finish, to end because I don’t feel as though the chapter has ended. There is a disconnect, a pause, and I seek to remedy that. Some of these things don’t affect my life anymore (my ego has calmed), but others are still heavy on my heart, my mind, and God calls for me to ease. So I am here to share, to be transparent, and to release.
I am afraid my severe depression will return.
I have always been depressed for as long as I remember. I remember being a child just crying and writing angrily. Depression is a horrible roommate that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Somehow, some way, through the grace of God, I haven’t had any symptoms of depression since September 2015. While I am incredibly grateful, I have to control the overwhelming sense of fear that I might regress into my darkness. When the alarm comes on, I have to remember to give it to God and continue to live my life with the gift He gave me.
I am afraid I will never meet my one….
In a world where married people and their happy families surround me, I am so scared I will never reach my one. I have been in love once, and that love was never returned. It would be amazing to be in love and have someone love me. While, God has told me that he is close and I need to trust in Him, abide in Him….the waiting is hard. I decided in December to put that worry aside and to enjoy my single life to the absolute best of my abilities. The moment I made that decision the overwhelming fear and need for a relationship left me. I still worry about it occasionally especially when I see an adorable family, but it’s not an original thought anymore.
I worry that I won’t be able to reach my goals….
I have some many goals I want to complete. Start and run a successful blog. Continue my education (complete masters then on to Ph.D.). Raise to top leadership in clinical trials management. Sometimes I worry that I won’t be able to complete them all. Fourteen years into my adult life and I understand that with time goals change and evolve, but I worry that I am wasting the free I have. That once I become a wife and mother that all of my goals will disappear and I will look around 20 years later with nothing but wishes. I am afraid that I will fail.
I am afraid that I will be a horrible mother.
I don’t even have children yet, and this fear cripples me. I didn’t have the most fantastic mother growing up, and some portion of me is afraid that I will repeat her mistakes. That I won’t know or understand how to love, be affectionate, discipline, or raise amazing children. I believe this fear has appeared in my reading list for the year. Seventy-five percent of books are related to parenting (Grace-Based Parenting, Family Worship, Parenting, Missional Motherhood, and the list goes on). Reading has always been a way that I prepare for the unknown. I ultimately believe that being around amazing mothers, and being a small group leader at church for middle school girls have been God’s way of surrounding me with those who could ease my fears and show me the way.
I hope that sharing my fears and my thoughts surrounding them enables you to speak your fears, confront them, and give them to God.